Who am I ?

Sigh. So many stereotypes..it's kind of ridiculous, and offensive to say the least. Just because we have boobs we have to support the family & do all the household chores?
So why don't we just say just because men have a penis they have to carry us on their backs everywhere we go because we're too delicate to walk on the muddy floor?
If we're so freakin' delicate, why do they make us clean the house? The chemicals will ruin the soft baby-type skin we're supposed to maintain. The sweat will ruin our makeup.
There's too many expectations for us to look beautiful & to be attractive. Honestly, guys don't think to look twice if we we're in sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on. Drake was trippin when he wrote "Best I Ever Had Up". I know first hand. All my elementary life, I never bothered to care about what I looked like. Starting 7th grade, I realized that people wore makeup. People shaved. People cared what they looked like. & they got guys. I never had a guy like me until 8th grade. Why the difference? I got bangs. I changed from camouflage colored capris to skirts. I started wearing makeup. Finally people started to notice me. I started being called 'pretty' instead of 'gorilla'.
I don't want equal rights for women...although it'd be nice, I want to be pampered. I want my knight in shining armor, even though that's pathetic. I like being cared for (: I don't want to slave all day to support my man. I'll buy him things once in a while, but my job is to love him & comfort him; his job is to love me & provide for me. That's how it's been in my relationships.
I found it funny how commercials about doll houses say to let girls live out their dreams with the doll house. They can't be mechanics? They can't be a doctor? They have to cook and clean laundry? What is all that about?
I've always wanted to be a mechanic. I love getting dirty & working with my hands. Yet people act so damned surprise when I tell them that. Sorry I'm not your average girly girl I guess . But I'm not apologizing for who I am. I'm apologizing for the society that has made the world become blind to what people can achieve.

I'm tired.

I wasn't sure if there was an entry this week but I'll do one anyway just in case. I can't afford to lose points now with my B T_T.
But I really am tired. I'm tired of the lack of sleep. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of just everyone. I just want a day to have to myself, not to worry about college or SAT's or my GPA.
Everything's so stressful. What's ironic is how school teaches us how to excel in life for a future yet they're killing us at the same time with the homework and tests because stress leads to a greater risk of heart disease. I found that crudely humorous in my own little world.
Lately, I've noticed that when I'm stressed I get really moody and I don't eat. I just work, work, work. & my sleep schedule's been way off, messing with my circadian rhythm. I just wish things would go back to the way they once were with the carefree little me.
I really liked the little gender game thing. I forgot what it was called, but a lot of people that had relatives of the opposite gender or a girlfriend/boyfriend knew more of the answers, which is obvious, but a lot of people don't really get exposed to the 'other world' so they didn't know a lot. Kinda funny how men and women consider different qualities more important than others. We're always judged on our appearance, even though people say that they look at personality. I mean, it's not their fault. They just want the best kill, in caveman words. A trophy.
Anyway. Not much to think about right now. I'm super tired, after spending 3 hours building my new closet & shelves(: Success!

Keep calm.

       Oh my. It has been forever since I've written a blog entry. Lately, life has been tremendously stressful, due to my lack of sleep with the boyfriend and what not & stress due to the many tests I have coming up. Teachers tend to cram all the projects and tests at once...which does not help at all. I have 3 SAT 2's next Saturday, then the ACT again the following Saturday. Oh, & prom is tomorrow!(: I'm very excited about that.
      I noticed my moods been changing lately: crying more, cranky, irritated easily. Not very good for a girl like me. The meditation exercises in class have been helping a lot. It's really hard to completely clear my mind though. My grandpa can do it because he's meditated a lot. I walked in on him once, standing up and meditating. I asked my dad what he was doing and my dad said that he completely clears his mind and stays like that for a few hours and then he becomes more happier and healthier. Strange how mentality influences the physical part. During the exercises today, I couldn't NOT think. I'm always thinking; my mind's a never ending cycle of "what if's" and "how come".
*Oh..no. Okay. I am very freaked out even though this is completely random but there is a HUGE daddy long leg spider next to me & I'm really scared to move because I don't want it to move & I have a very big phobia of bugs so I think I'm gonna cry T______________________________T Help.
Anyway...the exercise today about writing for 15 minutes about our thoughts really helped. I honestly thought that only 5 minutes had passed by. I tend to bottle things up..which is weird because I used to just be very open about my emotions. I guess I've noticed that people don't really care about my problems or that my view point doesn't agree with theirs so they look annoyed and tell me I'm wrong. So I just shove it away into a huge pit that I have of secrets and hate. & writing actually helped release a lot of the stress I had from this huge pit. I got to empty out everything..well all that I could within the amount of time given. & I threw my parents & my boyfriend into the ocean..& I felt really bad so I took them back & I just sat there not knowing what to do. Sigh. I'm very distressed...I just want to go to a far away place & just cry..
Anyway. Yeah. Hopefully things turn out better(:

How are you today ?

I thought the creepiest thing that we learned was the prefrontal lobotomy. I mean, who in their right mind would want someone to hammer an ice pick into their eye to chip off a piece of their brain? People must have been pretty desperate to do a crazy thing like that. Did the doctor have proof that such a thing would work? o_o People get so gullible.
OH. I remember that we talked about xanax, and how it's the most used drugs for anxiety in the US . Funny thing is that a lot of my friends just take xanax without prescription. Many of them have lots of stress and whatnot, and they treat it like it's weed or e & they just pop it. They always look so calm & relaxed. I find it funny how the only reason it's being prescribed is because people are selling it to other people illegally.
& the therapist I used to go to used Humanistic therapy because she always asked me what I thought I should do instead of telling me what to do. It was kind of annoying at first because I wanted answers, but then I realized that this actually helped me solve things on my own instead of depending on other people to do things for me. She put me on a path, & it was up to me if I wanted to follow it or not. I think therapists should use humanistic over Freudian because Freud's way is too direct. People will constantly just go to therapists for answers instead of depending on themselves. What happens if the therapist isn't there anymore? They'd be completely helpless..

SYBIL.

SYBIL IS THE CRAZIEST MOVIE EVER .
I've seen it before. Or..I think I have. When you mentioned the name, I was like HEY I'VE SEEN THAT BEFORE but maybe it's only because I've heard it before. I'm not very sure T_T. Horrible long term memory. But anyway.
I was mostly freaked about the movie. I had heard before that it's really crazy. But I didn't know that  it was this extreme! I feel so bad for the real Sybil :/ Her life must have been so difficult. I remember this one episode on the TV show "Lie to Me" where this girl also had DID & she had dreams that she murdered someone when the murder was actually real & she got really scared & thought she was psychic. She was sent to Dr. Lightman who realized that she had multiple personalities. One of them was a prostitute, and this other one she was a guy. & the guy part was actually her defensive side that couldn't talk but he would just protect the other identities & at the end they realized that she was the one that actually killed someone in her other identity. Crazy stuff :O
I would be so scared if I had DID :/ The mom of Sybil is INSANE. First off, why would the husband marry this woman? I mean, I find it really hard to find that he wouldn't notice that she's a little bit weird. Second off, how could he have sex with her? O_O She's not very attractive. Anyway, it's sad how having a neurological disorder can set off generations and generations of other disorders. I'm guessing Sybil's grandma on her mother's side also had some kind of problem that could have triggered this kind of abuse.
I don't have multiple personalities, but I just act differently around different people. Sometimes I regress, but not to the point where I'm a complete baby. I tend to just grab a stuffed animal and just sit & stay silent & cry when I'm sad. I don't know if that's weird, but that's just how I cope. & I remember this one time I was really pissed off at night at my sister so I got up, stood next to her bed, & stared at her & told her I was going to kill her in her sleep. I don't know..sometimes I scare myself. But I mean, I got over that phase & I guess I'm a little better now at dealing with my emotions. Hopefully I learn how to not only stop hurting everyone but even myself.

What's wrong with you?

This week we discussed mainly psychological disorders, but how many times have we self-diagnosed ourselves, thinking that we actually had something we didn't?
Many people, including myself, calls ourselves depressed or bipolar. But how much of that is true? Most likely.. none. We over exaggerate. I didn't know depression can only be called depression if it's like a 2 week period of being super sad. My dad was actually depressed, but he didn't know that he was called 'depressed'. He just had trouble concentrating and being active in tasks & was tired all the time. He went to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed him with depression. I mean, I've been really sad. Maybe at most for a month or 2, but I haven't been so sad that I can't function. Stupid breakups ruin my mood. I used to think I was bipolar until I learned that bipolar disorder had a manic stage. That kind of freaked me out, and I realized maybe I should stop diagnosing myself with silly things.
We also learned about autism and schizophrenia, and I think some of the kids & elderly that I work with have these. I volunteer for the City of Cerritos and there's this event called Tiny Tots where I pretty much babysit little kids. I see the smart kids, the quiet ones, the creative ones, and the...slow ones. I know this one kid doesn't have autism or anything, but he's just slow at learning. However, there are these 2 kids that I believe have issues. They don't speak, and they're around 4 or 5 years old. Whenever I call their names, they don't respond, even if I yell it. They can never sit down; they always have to get up. They can't write their names; they can't participate because they're in their own little world. & to me, it's really sad, and I really hope that they're just late bloomers. & at Artesia Christian homes,  there's a lot of elderly that have Alzheimer's and dementia. It's really hard to be patient with them because it's like they're 80 year old children, but I just got to stick it through.
Sometimes people ask, what's wrong with you? & all you can say is nothing, because that's how some people are born. Some are born different. Some are born weird. What matters is that people need to understand that some aren't as fortunate as others to be 'normal'.

Who Am I ?

“Millions of people never analyze themselves. Mentally they are mechanical products of the factory of their environment, preoccupied with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, working and sleeping, and going here and there to be entertained. They don’t know what or why they are seeking, nor why they never realize complete happiness and lasting satisfaction. By evading self-analysis, people go on being robots, conditioned by their environment. True self-analysis is the greatest art of progress.” --Paramahansa Yogananda

 After the presentation from the speaker on Friday, it really got me thinking about who I really am. I foten think about my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths: everything that makes me who I really am. But who am I really? Am I someone that has conformed to the standards to society, or have I become the person who I want to be ? I forgot what her name was, but I remember her talking about how she lived 60 years of her life in a man's body, but that wasn't what she wanted. She even tried to prove that she was a man by fighting in the Vietnam war, to prove herself that she could 'cure' herself of her predicament.
In the book "Why Men Don't Listen & Why Women Can't Read Maps", there's a section that says that homosexuality & being transsexual is a result of genetics. It talks about how when you are being formed as an embryo, there are certain hormones that make your body a male/female, and hormones that make your brain think you're feminine/masculine. If you don't receive the correct amount of dosage that matches your body, then you can become more feminine if you're born with a male body and that can result for you to become gay because you're attracted to males. So if this theory is correct, then homosexuals shouldn't blame themselves for who they are. They're born that way, just like Lady Gaga said.
I don't encourage people to be gay, but if they are then I'm okay with them. They are normal people, just a little bit different sexually.
I remember the speaker saying that after the surgery, she was completely happy with who she was. & I'm happy for her that she is because now she doesn't have to live with any regrets. She found who she really was, & she lived it out, not caring about what others had to say for those that matter don't mind & those that mind don't matter. & that's the beauty of it all.

REJEEECTED.

There's a rejection number if you ever need it (; Anyway.
I've been rejected before, but it didn't hurt that bad. I've rejected plenty before. I remember this one guy Vince tried to get at me. I knew him for what...one day & in history he texted me saying ' what if i said i was feelin you ? '. I was so..shocked. I didn't even know him and he said he was interested in me? I never even met him before in my life, in person, or even talked on the phone with me. I thought that was pretty desperate, trying to act like a player when he doesn't have any game. So I said I wasn't interested in Christy's ex's because he was one of her ex boyfriends and he became a jerk towards me after that. He said he wasn't tripping, but if you say that, that obviously means you are. -_- stupid boy.
OH. I bought this book called "Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps" & it's pretty much how men and women are different, and that in order to have a good relationship you need to understand that it isn't the other person's fault that girl's suck at driving or why men can't understand why you're not supposed to call girl's fat. So in the book, it said that women have a hard time parking because they have bad perception and trouble measuring distance because our female ancestors had to forage and look for food, which was close up. They didn't need to look at how far they needed to through a spear to kill, so that's why men have better driving skills than women. & it also said that women are good lie detectors because women have always been used socially and for families, so it was always their job to see when something is wrong. Women are better at detecting different tone of voices and can hear a baby crying in the night when they're sound asleep because it's in their brain. Guys, however, don't wake up to the cry of a baby but will wake up to a snap of a branch outside because it triggers their defense part of the brain. & guys have tunnel vision, which is why it's so hard for them to find stuff in the fridge when it's right there. Women have wider peripherals, so that's why women can check out guys without being obvious.
SO YEAH. I'm on page 45 I think. :)
Tiffany Liu says "HI MRS.HUNTER!" because I'm at her house to help her with her campaign(:

This was in the book :)))))))))

Keep on going .

" Keep trying , you can do it ! " How many times have I heard this in my life ? People keep trying to motivate me to do better, to not give up. I'm trying.. but how can you tell me what I can and can't do? You don't know the capacity and my ability to accomplish something. Parents keep 'motivating' their children to keep pushing forward, but all it is is just pushing. Motivation should be positive. It shouldn't be forcing your child to do something that they don't want to do, to keep telling them that what they want to do isn't right.
I have the lowest intrinsic motivation ever. I don't feel like doing anything or to be motivated to do something unless there's a reward. I don't feel a need to pursue any goals because frankly, I have none. I don't really care if I go to college or not, or even try to maintain A's in school. What's the point? Yeah, I want a good future. But I'm just too stressed about this ridiculous standards to get into college that I don't even care.
Everything I do now isn't for me. It's for God. I guess it's extrinsic motivation, but because of Him I want to become a better person, to show the world the love that He has for all of us. He is my need. He is what drives me each day to keep on living & to show compassion to everyone. & even though it's tough & very frustrating most of the time, I know I have to keep on going. He motivates me to keep striving for the better, to live each day better than the last.  He's there for me, without fail.
Sorry if this is more religious than reflective, but God is my main motivation. & I think that's all I need.

:]

SO . Hm . This week I remembered the taste aversion concept because of cup noodles! So I had to go to this connection center thing & I bought cup noodles BUT THEY HAD NO MORE HOT WATER so I microwaved it ( I know, bad for my health ) & it didn't even cook. -_- So when I went to the presentation I was just sitting there with this cup of cup noodles which I DIDN'T WANT TO EAT because it was cold & soggy. Then later that day my stomach really started hurting and during 7th period I told my table about it & my liver area started to hurt. Not fun at all -_- So I've decided to stay away from cup noodles because I don't want pain again.
AND I did a little conditioning today(: Not on purpose though! My family & I were standing in line at Hometown Buffet and I smacked my sister & she flinched and later when I rubbed my eye she flinched again. So my response was " WHAT THE HECK ", & I was like what's wrong with you. She said she thought I was going to hit her -_- . So the unconditioned stimulus was me hitting her, the unconditioned response was flinching. The conditioned stimulus was raising my hand, & the conditioned response was flinching.
You know how in class we had to do those like creative intelligence tests that measured our music IQ, our artistic IQ & stuff ? I thought that was really cool(: I had like the same scores for all of them & I got a 1 or 2 on the math/science IQ test & the intrapersonal one d:
I forgot what the word requirement was D: was it 250 or 350 ? :o I think I passed the 250 one so yeah I'm believe I'm done now :)

No.

How many times have I heard this word everyday? Probably couple times a day. Hundreds of times a week. Thousands in a month. Billions in a lifetime.
To me this isn't just a word. This isn't just an answer. This word is a punishment.
It tells me that I am not good enough . It tells me that I am not worthy. It tells me that my opinion doesn't matter.
I have been told 'no' probably hundreds of thousands of times in my life.
"No, you can't go to the movies with your friends."
"No, you can't watch TV."
"No, you can't stay up after 10."
Yeah people get privileges. I get so few that it feels as if I'm a prisoner in my own home, and even being allowed to watch TV for a couple minutes feels like a reward.
This is absurd. I might be a minor but I sure as hell am mature enough to make my own decisions.
No isn't just a 'no not today honey. maybe next time.' A no is a 'no that's never going to happen because I control every aspect of your life and what I say goes.'
I get punished mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I'm so used to the word 'no' that  I don't even bother asking anymore.
People always wonder why I don't ask to go somewhere with them or why I don't ask to go to parties.
Why? Because I can't. I know I can't.
Their fear of the world has consumed their thoughts. Their paranoia has consumed my life.
I've been shut down so many times my self esteem has been degraded to a paperthin existence.
The word 'no' has been so engrained into my life that I doubt my very existence.
I often question  myself if I'm ever going to be seen as a human in their eyes.
We learned about how if parents give into their children's whining and begging, the child will know that parents have a limit.
My parents never give in. Through all the reasoning and bargaining, their 'no' is a no.
How could one word have so much impact in my life?
It's just one word, 2 letters: one of the smallest phoneme there is.
So many say to appreciate my life, to appreciate the food and shelter that I do have.
I'm not living. I'm just existing.
Where is the love?

COMPRENDE?!

So this week we learned about language (:
& there's this video about this little boy saying the f word when he tries to say fire truck, which relates to what you said about kids not knowing that they're saying bad words.

It's really sad though because the parents make him repeat it . -____________- so not amusing.
ANYWAYS . We learned a little about language during AP Human so that kind of made me a little excited.
I thought it was really interesting how bilinguals are more creative, because my ex boyfriend whose Chinese knows NO CHINESE WHATSOEVER. & he is the most uncreative person I know.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty artistic person(; So is Sarah too!(: & a lot of people in Whitney have so many talents and it could all stem from knowing multiple languages, for my peers have pretty Asian parents and are forced to go to Chinese school & Korean school.
Euphemistic language also made me think a lot because it's almost as if people are afraid to face reality, and instead they try to sweeten things up so that they themselves don't feel bad. I volunteer at Artesia Christian Homes, and I go to the beauty shop a lot to help  out. One of the hairdressers,Ida, was talking to me about her husband. He has died around 4 years ago I believe, to cancer, and she complained how she hated how people say 'pass away' instead of died. She said," Why not just say died? I mean pass away or gone to a better place could mean anything. Did that person go to Alaska or something?" & she started laughing.
I , however, was shocked at how she joked about death. We were watching the Arizona shooting on CNN when she brought it up because the news reporters kept saying passed away.
I love how language brings the whole world together. Even though there are thousands of different languages, we can still translate and understand one another. That's the beauty of it all (:
& what really scared me was Genie, and how she couldn't speak or communicate. I thought she looked almost possessed. It was really scary seeing how...distant she was from the rest of the world.

Walking down memory lane .

SO SINCE WE'RE DEALING WITH MEMORY HERE,
I can say that my memory is very bad.
I can't even remember to blog every Saturday. I have to have Sarah remind me the day of or else I forget. :/ Talk about a horrible memory, even things that should be done on a consistent basis don't stick to me.
I'm guessing my prefrontal cortex is damaged -_-.
I used to be a visual learner! I had a pretty good iconic memory but now I'm more of an audible listener.
BY THE WAY,ecstasy makes the body cold not warm. Well for me & my friends d: Maybe it's different for everyone. but it makes everything you touch REALLY soft  & it's like having an orgasm whenever you touch something. & your pupils dilate & they become REALLY big & round, and you always have to drink water because you get a really dry mouth.
& having bad trips occurs with any type of drug. I noticed it was only under LSD.
I slept walked before when I was little too . My dad told me that one time I was sleepwalking when I was little and I went up to the window & I opened it & leaned out but he heard me open the window  & so he grabbed me before I fell AND I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF THAT WHATSOEVER. I think it's quite absurd but then again I was a strange kid. I used to walk up to my parents when they were in the living room watching TV and stare at them and then walk back to my room. Freaky stuff.

My state of mind .

So today we did the hypnosis activity during class which totally reminded me of the time I got hypnotized during my therapy session a while back.
My therapist told me to lie down/get comfortable on the chair & then she put in this DVD. This man started talking and told me to focus on an object above my eye level, and I started to feel my eyelids droop as he told me to close my eyes. I panicked  & snapped myself out of the trance in fear that I wasn't going to be able to control my thoughts or actions. I just listened for 30 minutes to his droning voice, talking about imagining myself going to a pool and to a park where I would sit on a stump, calling it my 'safe place'. He said I could access it at any time & that no one could hurt me there.
My therapist said that this would help me with my short attention span, improving my focus even for a little.
We tried it again as I continued to struggle during school. I fell asleep the second time, but she told me not to worry because it would go into my subconscious & help me there.
Before I knew it, my grades started to improve even by little. My AP Human grade increased from a B to an A :) I was so proud of myself.
Now, my grades are slipping. I can't focus much anymore. My friends say it's because I text too much.
They don't know that the reason I text is because I don't understand the material, & I find it pointless to try to struggle and understand something I don't comprehend.
We also learned about drugs, & that's probably an attribute to my short memory. Ever since I tried drugs, I've had really bad trips. I almost had a heart attack, and another time my heart almost stopped.Everyone's body reacts differently, & in my case I reacted really poorly. I think it's because I weigh so little, so everything affects me more. I think that's why I have a hard time focusing on one thing. I used to be so successful in school; everything was a breeze. Now I have to stay after school for help or actually go over what I learned daily so I don't forget it the next day.
People don't understand how hard it is. The majority of my peers understand what they learn, sooner than later. It took me 30 minutes to understand one problem on my physics quiz today. I just couldn't understand it.
Everyone treats their homework and tests like it's a piece of cake. For me, it's a struggle. I can feel myself deteriorating with each homework question I don't understand or lesson objective.
When my math teacher talks, I literally don't understand any of it. I have to go home & search up what she's talking about on the internet or ask my classmates to teach me the lesson again. Almost everything in my classes seems like a foreign language to me. It's so hard for me to remember the little things. Alot of my friends keep telling me I've already asked them the same question around 10 times over the course of a week, but I never remember if I did or didn't.
Some people say I'm overreacting. They don't know what it's like to be in my shoes, to be a once successful person & now a struggling student with not only academics but identity.
I haven't done any drugs in almost a month now, and before that I was on a 9 month clean streak.
I have a hard time feeling emotions now. I always feel...hollow, as if I'm a robot. When people are happy, they smile, & I do too. But I don't feel happy. I know I'm happy though because I laugh, but I don't feel the laughter. It's really difficult to explain, but it's as if someone's controlling my body to make me feel the way I do, & yet I don't feel it.
I've noticed that my personality has changed. I've  become more irritated, more grumpy. More of a 'female dog', so to say. I used to be an ENTJ. Now I'm an ESFJ. My patience wears thin. Everything bothers me or annoys me.
My parents yell at me, threatening to take my phone away if my grades don't improve.
They can take away my phone. They can take away my internet. They can take away anything they want.
It won't change the fact that no matter how hard I try, I just can't be the person they expect me to be.
It's like having a disability. I can't get my brain cells back. I can't regain my memory. I can't 'un-destroy' my brain.
I'm trying, but every day's a challenge. I just hope things don't get worse from here .