My state of mind .

So today we did the hypnosis activity during class which totally reminded me of the time I got hypnotized during my therapy session a while back.
My therapist told me to lie down/get comfortable on the chair & then she put in this DVD. This man started talking and told me to focus on an object above my eye level, and I started to feel my eyelids droop as he told me to close my eyes. I panicked  & snapped myself out of the trance in fear that I wasn't going to be able to control my thoughts or actions. I just listened for 30 minutes to his droning voice, talking about imagining myself going to a pool and to a park where I would sit on a stump, calling it my 'safe place'. He said I could access it at any time & that no one could hurt me there.
My therapist said that this would help me with my short attention span, improving my focus even for a little.
We tried it again as I continued to struggle during school. I fell asleep the second time, but she told me not to worry because it would go into my subconscious & help me there.
Before I knew it, my grades started to improve even by little. My AP Human grade increased from a B to an A :) I was so proud of myself.
Now, my grades are slipping. I can't focus much anymore. My friends say it's because I text too much.
They don't know that the reason I text is because I don't understand the material, & I find it pointless to try to struggle and understand something I don't comprehend.
We also learned about drugs, & that's probably an attribute to my short memory. Ever since I tried drugs, I've had really bad trips. I almost had a heart attack, and another time my heart almost stopped.Everyone's body reacts differently, & in my case I reacted really poorly. I think it's because I weigh so little, so everything affects me more. I think that's why I have a hard time focusing on one thing. I used to be so successful in school; everything was a breeze. Now I have to stay after school for help or actually go over what I learned daily so I don't forget it the next day.
People don't understand how hard it is. The majority of my peers understand what they learn, sooner than later. It took me 30 minutes to understand one problem on my physics quiz today. I just couldn't understand it.
Everyone treats their homework and tests like it's a piece of cake. For me, it's a struggle. I can feel myself deteriorating with each homework question I don't understand or lesson objective.
When my math teacher talks, I literally don't understand any of it. I have to go home & search up what she's talking about on the internet or ask my classmates to teach me the lesson again. Almost everything in my classes seems like a foreign language to me. It's so hard for me to remember the little things. Alot of my friends keep telling me I've already asked them the same question around 10 times over the course of a week, but I never remember if I did or didn't.
Some people say I'm overreacting. They don't know what it's like to be in my shoes, to be a once successful person & now a struggling student with not only academics but identity.
I haven't done any drugs in almost a month now, and before that I was on a 9 month clean streak.
I have a hard time feeling emotions now. I always feel...hollow, as if I'm a robot. When people are happy, they smile, & I do too. But I don't feel happy. I know I'm happy though because I laugh, but I don't feel the laughter. It's really difficult to explain, but it's as if someone's controlling my body to make me feel the way I do, & yet I don't feel it.
I've noticed that my personality has changed. I've  become more irritated, more grumpy. More of a 'female dog', so to say. I used to be an ENTJ. Now I'm an ESFJ. My patience wears thin. Everything bothers me or annoys me.
My parents yell at me, threatening to take my phone away if my grades don't improve.
They can take away my phone. They can take away my internet. They can take away anything they want.
It won't change the fact that no matter how hard I try, I just can't be the person they expect me to be.
It's like having a disability. I can't get my brain cells back. I can't regain my memory. I can't 'un-destroy' my brain.
I'm trying, but every day's a challenge. I just hope things don't get worse from here .