Who am I ?

Sigh. So many stereotypes..it's kind of ridiculous, and offensive to say the least. Just because we have boobs we have to support the family & do all the household chores?
So why don't we just say just because men have a penis they have to carry us on their backs everywhere we go because we're too delicate to walk on the muddy floor?
If we're so freakin' delicate, why do they make us clean the house? The chemicals will ruin the soft baby-type skin we're supposed to maintain. The sweat will ruin our makeup.
There's too many expectations for us to look beautiful & to be attractive. Honestly, guys don't think to look twice if we we're in sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on. Drake was trippin when he wrote "Best I Ever Had Up". I know first hand. All my elementary life, I never bothered to care about what I looked like. Starting 7th grade, I realized that people wore makeup. People shaved. People cared what they looked like. & they got guys. I never had a guy like me until 8th grade. Why the difference? I got bangs. I changed from camouflage colored capris to skirts. I started wearing makeup. Finally people started to notice me. I started being called 'pretty' instead of 'gorilla'.
I don't want equal rights for women...although it'd be nice, I want to be pampered. I want my knight in shining armor, even though that's pathetic. I like being cared for (: I don't want to slave all day to support my man. I'll buy him things once in a while, but my job is to love him & comfort him; his job is to love me & provide for me. That's how it's been in my relationships.
I found it funny how commercials about doll houses say to let girls live out their dreams with the doll house. They can't be mechanics? They can't be a doctor? They have to cook and clean laundry? What is all that about?
I've always wanted to be a mechanic. I love getting dirty & working with my hands. Yet people act so damned surprise when I tell them that. Sorry I'm not your average girly girl I guess . But I'm not apologizing for who I am. I'm apologizing for the society that has made the world become blind to what people can achieve.

I'm tired.

I wasn't sure if there was an entry this week but I'll do one anyway just in case. I can't afford to lose points now with my B T_T.
But I really am tired. I'm tired of the lack of sleep. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of just everyone. I just want a day to have to myself, not to worry about college or SAT's or my GPA.
Everything's so stressful. What's ironic is how school teaches us how to excel in life for a future yet they're killing us at the same time with the homework and tests because stress leads to a greater risk of heart disease. I found that crudely humorous in my own little world.
Lately, I've noticed that when I'm stressed I get really moody and I don't eat. I just work, work, work. & my sleep schedule's been way off, messing with my circadian rhythm. I just wish things would go back to the way they once were with the carefree little me.
I really liked the little gender game thing. I forgot what it was called, but a lot of people that had relatives of the opposite gender or a girlfriend/boyfriend knew more of the answers, which is obvious, but a lot of people don't really get exposed to the 'other world' so they didn't know a lot. Kinda funny how men and women consider different qualities more important than others. We're always judged on our appearance, even though people say that they look at personality. I mean, it's not their fault. They just want the best kill, in caveman words. A trophy.
Anyway. Not much to think about right now. I'm super tired, after spending 3 hours building my new closet & shelves(: Success!

Keep calm.

       Oh my. It has been forever since I've written a blog entry. Lately, life has been tremendously stressful, due to my lack of sleep with the boyfriend and what not & stress due to the many tests I have coming up. Teachers tend to cram all the projects and tests at once...which does not help at all. I have 3 SAT 2's next Saturday, then the ACT again the following Saturday. Oh, & prom is tomorrow!(: I'm very excited about that.
      I noticed my moods been changing lately: crying more, cranky, irritated easily. Not very good for a girl like me. The meditation exercises in class have been helping a lot. It's really hard to completely clear my mind though. My grandpa can do it because he's meditated a lot. I walked in on him once, standing up and meditating. I asked my dad what he was doing and my dad said that he completely clears his mind and stays like that for a few hours and then he becomes more happier and healthier. Strange how mentality influences the physical part. During the exercises today, I couldn't NOT think. I'm always thinking; my mind's a never ending cycle of "what if's" and "how come".
*Oh..no. Okay. I am very freaked out even though this is completely random but there is a HUGE daddy long leg spider next to me & I'm really scared to move because I don't want it to move & I have a very big phobia of bugs so I think I'm gonna cry T______________________________T Help.
Anyway...the exercise today about writing for 15 minutes about our thoughts really helped. I honestly thought that only 5 minutes had passed by. I tend to bottle things up..which is weird because I used to just be very open about my emotions. I guess I've noticed that people don't really care about my problems or that my view point doesn't agree with theirs so they look annoyed and tell me I'm wrong. So I just shove it away into a huge pit that I have of secrets and hate. & writing actually helped release a lot of the stress I had from this huge pit. I got to empty out everything..well all that I could within the amount of time given. & I threw my parents & my boyfriend into the ocean..& I felt really bad so I took them back & I just sat there not knowing what to do. Sigh. I'm very distressed...I just want to go to a far away place & just cry..
Anyway. Yeah. Hopefully things turn out better(:

How are you today ?

I thought the creepiest thing that we learned was the prefrontal lobotomy. I mean, who in their right mind would want someone to hammer an ice pick into their eye to chip off a piece of their brain? People must have been pretty desperate to do a crazy thing like that. Did the doctor have proof that such a thing would work? o_o People get so gullible.
OH. I remember that we talked about xanax, and how it's the most used drugs for anxiety in the US . Funny thing is that a lot of my friends just take xanax without prescription. Many of them have lots of stress and whatnot, and they treat it like it's weed or e & they just pop it. They always look so calm & relaxed. I find it funny how the only reason it's being prescribed is because people are selling it to other people illegally.
& the therapist I used to go to used Humanistic therapy because she always asked me what I thought I should do instead of telling me what to do. It was kind of annoying at first because I wanted answers, but then I realized that this actually helped me solve things on my own instead of depending on other people to do things for me. She put me on a path, & it was up to me if I wanted to follow it or not. I think therapists should use humanistic over Freudian because Freud's way is too direct. People will constantly just go to therapists for answers instead of depending on themselves. What happens if the therapist isn't there anymore? They'd be completely helpless..

SYBIL.

SYBIL IS THE CRAZIEST MOVIE EVER .
I've seen it before. Or..I think I have. When you mentioned the name, I was like HEY I'VE SEEN THAT BEFORE but maybe it's only because I've heard it before. I'm not very sure T_T. Horrible long term memory. But anyway.
I was mostly freaked about the movie. I had heard before that it's really crazy. But I didn't know that  it was this extreme! I feel so bad for the real Sybil :/ Her life must have been so difficult. I remember this one episode on the TV show "Lie to Me" where this girl also had DID & she had dreams that she murdered someone when the murder was actually real & she got really scared & thought she was psychic. She was sent to Dr. Lightman who realized that she had multiple personalities. One of them was a prostitute, and this other one she was a guy. & the guy part was actually her defensive side that couldn't talk but he would just protect the other identities & at the end they realized that she was the one that actually killed someone in her other identity. Crazy stuff :O
I would be so scared if I had DID :/ The mom of Sybil is INSANE. First off, why would the husband marry this woman? I mean, I find it really hard to find that he wouldn't notice that she's a little bit weird. Second off, how could he have sex with her? O_O She's not very attractive. Anyway, it's sad how having a neurological disorder can set off generations and generations of other disorders. I'm guessing Sybil's grandma on her mother's side also had some kind of problem that could have triggered this kind of abuse.
I don't have multiple personalities, but I just act differently around different people. Sometimes I regress, but not to the point where I'm a complete baby. I tend to just grab a stuffed animal and just sit & stay silent & cry when I'm sad. I don't know if that's weird, but that's just how I cope. & I remember this one time I was really pissed off at night at my sister so I got up, stood next to her bed, & stared at her & told her I was going to kill her in her sleep. I don't know..sometimes I scare myself. But I mean, I got over that phase & I guess I'm a little better now at dealing with my emotions. Hopefully I learn how to not only stop hurting everyone but even myself.

What's wrong with you?

This week we discussed mainly psychological disorders, but how many times have we self-diagnosed ourselves, thinking that we actually had something we didn't?
Many people, including myself, calls ourselves depressed or bipolar. But how much of that is true? Most likely.. none. We over exaggerate. I didn't know depression can only be called depression if it's like a 2 week period of being super sad. My dad was actually depressed, but he didn't know that he was called 'depressed'. He just had trouble concentrating and being active in tasks & was tired all the time. He went to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed him with depression. I mean, I've been really sad. Maybe at most for a month or 2, but I haven't been so sad that I can't function. Stupid breakups ruin my mood. I used to think I was bipolar until I learned that bipolar disorder had a manic stage. That kind of freaked me out, and I realized maybe I should stop diagnosing myself with silly things.
We also learned about autism and schizophrenia, and I think some of the kids & elderly that I work with have these. I volunteer for the City of Cerritos and there's this event called Tiny Tots where I pretty much babysit little kids. I see the smart kids, the quiet ones, the creative ones, and the...slow ones. I know this one kid doesn't have autism or anything, but he's just slow at learning. However, there are these 2 kids that I believe have issues. They don't speak, and they're around 4 or 5 years old. Whenever I call their names, they don't respond, even if I yell it. They can never sit down; they always have to get up. They can't write their names; they can't participate because they're in their own little world. & to me, it's really sad, and I really hope that they're just late bloomers. & at Artesia Christian homes,  there's a lot of elderly that have Alzheimer's and dementia. It's really hard to be patient with them because it's like they're 80 year old children, but I just got to stick it through.
Sometimes people ask, what's wrong with you? & all you can say is nothing, because that's how some people are born. Some are born different. Some are born weird. What matters is that people need to understand that some aren't as fortunate as others to be 'normal'.

Who Am I ?

“Millions of people never analyze themselves. Mentally they are mechanical products of the factory of their environment, preoccupied with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, working and sleeping, and going here and there to be entertained. They don’t know what or why they are seeking, nor why they never realize complete happiness and lasting satisfaction. By evading self-analysis, people go on being robots, conditioned by their environment. True self-analysis is the greatest art of progress.” --Paramahansa Yogananda

 After the presentation from the speaker on Friday, it really got me thinking about who I really am. I foten think about my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths: everything that makes me who I really am. But who am I really? Am I someone that has conformed to the standards to society, or have I become the person who I want to be ? I forgot what her name was, but I remember her talking about how she lived 60 years of her life in a man's body, but that wasn't what she wanted. She even tried to prove that she was a man by fighting in the Vietnam war, to prove herself that she could 'cure' herself of her predicament.
In the book "Why Men Don't Listen & Why Women Can't Read Maps", there's a section that says that homosexuality & being transsexual is a result of genetics. It talks about how when you are being formed as an embryo, there are certain hormones that make your body a male/female, and hormones that make your brain think you're feminine/masculine. If you don't receive the correct amount of dosage that matches your body, then you can become more feminine if you're born with a male body and that can result for you to become gay because you're attracted to males. So if this theory is correct, then homosexuals shouldn't blame themselves for who they are. They're born that way, just like Lady Gaga said.
I don't encourage people to be gay, but if they are then I'm okay with them. They are normal people, just a little bit different sexually.
I remember the speaker saying that after the surgery, she was completely happy with who she was. & I'm happy for her that she is because now she doesn't have to live with any regrets. She found who she really was, & she lived it out, not caring about what others had to say for those that matter don't mind & those that mind don't matter. & that's the beauty of it all.