Force Feeding .

That's one of the most common practices in parents. I remember my mom used to force feed me all the time even though I said I was full. I always thought she was crazy . & maybe she was.
The hypothalamus is a part of the brain in the limbic system of the fore brain. This part of the brain controls appetite as well hunger . In class we learned that as we age, we lose the sense to know when we're full. & THAT IS SO TRUE . I remember being told that the children in Africa could eat the food that I didn't eat. WELL GOOD FOR THEM MOM , I'D GLADLY SHIP OUT MY FOOD TO THEM.
Tonight I told my dad about this, & all my sister did was argue. She always argues with me WHICH GETS SO FREAKIN ANNOYING.
Anyways, I got to thinking maybe that's why some kids are so fat: because their parents feed them too much! Fat adults means they eat a lot of food, & because their appetite is so huge their perception on how much their kids should eat might be a little...off. & when kids say no when parents want them to eat more, parents criticize them. I know my parents did. They always called me ungrateful & a food waster because I was full. I never understood that concept until now. It wasn't my fault. It's theirs. I'm full ; my brain is telling me that already. But because they're losing the feelings to feel full, I get punished.
Anyways, I think I'm not going to do so good on this comp, mainly because of the biology part of the lesson. I really suck at biology. Anything science related turns me off. I MUST SELF FULFILL.
This blog entry is really bad; I can totally tell already.
I have to keep a positive attitude.
"I've never said 'why me?'. That's life. I try to keep a positive attitude. If you start feeling sorry for yourself, that's when it gets bad.”

Hostile Aggression

'The violent behaviors that are intended to cause psychological or physical harm, or both, to another being. Hostile aggression, a form of aggression, stems from feelings of anger.'

I know I am a very angry child. I can tell. I have anger issues & mood swings 24/7. & I know I display hostile aggression; ask anyone.

With my anger, I can intimidate people into apologizing. With my violence, I can make people afraid of me. 

With my hostile aggression, I pushed away my now ex-boyfriend.

Him & I fought constantly, on & off. Mainly about stupid things , but we always butted heads because we both get angry easily . I usually just yelled at him over the phone, & him living in Hawaii doesn't make our fights any easier. When I'm angry, I get really angry. & I need to learn how to control it because when I do blow up, I push everyone away & in his case, he got super mad. I was crying on the phone & he was peeing & I just really got mad/sad because it's like he didn't even care about comforting me & cared more about relieving himself. So I hung up. Then he got super pissed and wrote a Tumblr post saying that I was selfish and I always thought I was right when I wasn't. That to me was the last straw. It's like I couldn't even have my own feelings without being told whether or not they were right or wrong.

Relationships are just so difficult .

I cried the whole day today, at Chinese school & volunteer. He just texted me saying that he missed me. I haven't replied yet because I don't know what to say. I wonder if the 10 minute wait for my reply is hard for him. I want to say I miss him back, but I'm not sure if I should.

Love is really blind .It makes you forgive people of all the wrong things that they've done no matter how bad they were.

I just really need a hug , someone to talk to.

But because I'm not allowed to go out, I can't.

I can't even have a boyfriend so I can't talk to my parents about this.

Life is just so difficult.

Gifts, acts of kindness, physical touch, affirmations, and quality times. These 5 things differ for each person in how much is given based on how much they received from their parents.  I beg to differ.
Growing up, I didn't receive much affection. I didn't receive gifts, except for Christmas or my birthday. Toys were not part of my childhood. I've never owned a video game or gotten a gift just because they felt like giving me one. I didn't receive much acts of kindness. I was mainly yelled at for not being good enough, and rarely got hugs or kisses. Physical touch wasn't a big part of my childhood either. They were always busy doing other things. I RARELY got any affirmation at all. A's weren't good enough . They always compared me to other people, how other children got A+ & I came home with a measly A. They always said that I wasn't trying hard enough when I was. I barely got any quality time either. They didn't sit down and read a book to me. Instead, they shoved me in academy for 10 years because education is more important than love.
Instead of being a bitter, anti-social person, I try to make up for the lack of all of the above by giving them out. I try to buy gifts for people that matter in my life because I want them to feel appreciated. I try to be there for my friends to show that I'm always going to be there for them no matter what. I hug people that make me happy so I can show how much they mean to me. I always try to comfort and support my friends when they're down so they know that someone's always going to be their for them. & I try to hang out with my friends when they're lonely so they know that no matter what, I'm always there.
Why do I do this? I guess I feel a sense of completion, that making up for what I lacked would give me a sense of closure. I spend my day trying to be a good friend; whether its helping someone with a problem or beating someone up that is a problem. I guess I just don't want people to go through the pain I went through; not being able to talk to the people that supposedly matter the most, not having any support in anything you do, being treated like some kind of experiment to control every aspect of, not having a voice in anything that happens, not having someone to give advice, and most importantly having a shoulder to cry on.
People think my life is good. Financially, it is. But socially, family wise? It's far from it. My family doesn't communicate. Sure, my parents are nice. They treat my friends out to eat or act all parent-y around them. But once they leave, it's back to living with strangers. We don't talk when we eat. It's silent. We don't know what goes on in anyone else's day because frankly, no one cares. This family is really detached. I don't even know what my parents did for a living because they never talked about it. My dad recently lost his job, and instead of hugging us & telling us it was going to be okay, he sat us down like employees & said he lost his job then walked off. I'm surprised I'm even socially okay. One would expect me to be some crazy senile person. I guess I hung out with the right people, even though they made wrong decisions. They helped me realize that I'm actually a person, not some robot forced to study day & night. They showed me affection, something that I longed for for years. & it's my turn to give back.

Judgment.

We all have it. As humans we are bound to see others the way we want to, whether based on how we were raised or by experiene. In class we focused mainly on and prejudice, a highly discussed topic in today's society. & as sad as it sounds, we are all racist and prejudice, even in the slightest ways.
You could say I am racist. I know my grandma is. Just a few minutes ago, my grandma picked me up from chinese school. We made a right turn and as soon as we did we were confronted with a road block. Two cars were in the middle of the road, horizontal as to make a wall. They were both apparently trying to make a turn. As stupid as that move was, it was night so we couldn't see the drivers. My grandma automatcially assumed they were indian because we were in Little India.  That could have been a likely possiblity, but as soon as she started saying how stupid indians were at driving, I got a little disappointed. I thought she would be mature enough as to not jump to conclusions the way she did. She didn't know for sure that they were Indian. They could have been Chinese, Caucasian, or African.
My mother is another case of being racist and prejudice. Whenever African Americans, Hispanics, Indians, or homosexuals are brought up, my mother automatically looks down on them. If I have any friends that are what I listed above, she automatically thinks the worse. If I watch a show consisting of mainly African Americans, she makes me change the channel because its a 'bad influence.' I was watching Modern Family a few months ago, and they showed a gay couple. My mother told me to change the channel, and when I questioned her action she said that it was a bad influence and I shouldn't be watching it. She went even further as to say that the Bible says that we should homosexuals. I stayed up for a few hours on Google looking for answers as to see if this was true. The Bible states that we are to love everyone, despite their actions and sins. Christians DO NOT gay people. That is a common misconception. However, the Bible states as to not act upon gay intentions such as sleeping with another man if you are a man, and vice versa for the other gender. I think this is fair because our bodies are created for a man and woman, not for a man and man. But that's another story.
I am racist too. I have an issue with Indians. Not that I don't like them, but I just feel weird around them. I know this is wrong, and I have tried to change my attitude.
We did an activity in class about listing all the things we thought about certain people. I admit I went overboard. For a while, there was a thrill in making fun of others because it made me feel better.  Then I realized I was going back to my bully stage( which started in around 6th grade) , & I later stopped.
Whenever people say racist things, I always tell them to stop. I tell them that is wrong because it is. & they need to know that. I sometimes tell racist jokes, and even though I don't mean it, my words could hurt someone.   I get really offended when people say 'oh she's black she must be stupid', or other racist things. I know what it's like to be judged without other people knowing me.
Lots of people think I'm a stupid shallow bitch because of my appearance. I am anything but that. & I find it so...funny how people think they're so cool when they judge people like that when in reality they're just ignorant, immature people. Our generation is a really horrible one, and I hope people realize it and try to help us. God knows we need it.

BLAH.

I took my 2nd AP Psych test this week. I really believed that I got an A & it turns out I got a B. The whole time that I was studying I kept thinking to myself: I'm going to ace this test. I'm going to get an A and make myself proud. To my despair, this was not the case. This reminded me about the self fulfillment idea, the idea how if you say your day is going to be bad, it will happen. Then why didn't it happen to me? Why, after all the self encouragement and motivation that I could get an A, did I get a B? Is this theory wrong then? Or is there something to do with how far you can self fulfill your own life? 

Self fulfillment is a mentality: it's all in the brain. If you think you can do it, then you will do it. Then is my mentality wrong? Is there an error in my judgement and way of thinking ? Is that why whenever I believe I can do something, it becomes the complete opposite? Maybe overconfidence can get in the way of everything, but who is to say what overconfidence is? Who is to say that we can expect too much from ourselves, that our optimism is far too great for our own good? Who makes up these rules, these opinionated ideas that control our society? I think the world should start a change by stopping this pressure to conform to society. We are in control of our perspective in life, and if someone should tell me to change it I'll give them the finger. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.