Keep on going .

" Keep trying , you can do it ! " How many times have I heard this in my life ? People keep trying to motivate me to do better, to not give up. I'm trying.. but how can you tell me what I can and can't do? You don't know the capacity and my ability to accomplish something. Parents keep 'motivating' their children to keep pushing forward, but all it is is just pushing. Motivation should be positive. It shouldn't be forcing your child to do something that they don't want to do, to keep telling them that what they want to do isn't right.
I have the lowest intrinsic motivation ever. I don't feel like doing anything or to be motivated to do something unless there's a reward. I don't feel a need to pursue any goals because frankly, I have none. I don't really care if I go to college or not, or even try to maintain A's in school. What's the point? Yeah, I want a good future. But I'm just too stressed about this ridiculous standards to get into college that I don't even care.
Everything I do now isn't for me. It's for God. I guess it's extrinsic motivation, but because of Him I want to become a better person, to show the world the love that He has for all of us. He is my need. He is what drives me each day to keep on living & to show compassion to everyone. & even though it's tough & very frustrating most of the time, I know I have to keep on going. He motivates me to keep striving for the better, to live each day better than the last.  He's there for me, without fail.
Sorry if this is more religious than reflective, but God is my main motivation. & I think that's all I need.

:]

SO . Hm . This week I remembered the taste aversion concept because of cup noodles! So I had to go to this connection center thing & I bought cup noodles BUT THEY HAD NO MORE HOT WATER so I microwaved it ( I know, bad for my health ) & it didn't even cook. -_- So when I went to the presentation I was just sitting there with this cup of cup noodles which I DIDN'T WANT TO EAT because it was cold & soggy. Then later that day my stomach really started hurting and during 7th period I told my table about it & my liver area started to hurt. Not fun at all -_- So I've decided to stay away from cup noodles because I don't want pain again.
AND I did a little conditioning today(: Not on purpose though! My family & I were standing in line at Hometown Buffet and I smacked my sister & she flinched and later when I rubbed my eye she flinched again. So my response was " WHAT THE HECK ", & I was like what's wrong with you. She said she thought I was going to hit her -_- . So the unconditioned stimulus was me hitting her, the unconditioned response was flinching. The conditioned stimulus was raising my hand, & the conditioned response was flinching.
You know how in class we had to do those like creative intelligence tests that measured our music IQ, our artistic IQ & stuff ? I thought that was really cool(: I had like the same scores for all of them & I got a 1 or 2 on the math/science IQ test & the intrapersonal one d:
I forgot what the word requirement was D: was it 250 or 350 ? :o I think I passed the 250 one so yeah I'm believe I'm done now :)

No.

How many times have I heard this word everyday? Probably couple times a day. Hundreds of times a week. Thousands in a month. Billions in a lifetime.
To me this isn't just a word. This isn't just an answer. This word is a punishment.
It tells me that I am not good enough . It tells me that I am not worthy. It tells me that my opinion doesn't matter.
I have been told 'no' probably hundreds of thousands of times in my life.
"No, you can't go to the movies with your friends."
"No, you can't watch TV."
"No, you can't stay up after 10."
Yeah people get privileges. I get so few that it feels as if I'm a prisoner in my own home, and even being allowed to watch TV for a couple minutes feels like a reward.
This is absurd. I might be a minor but I sure as hell am mature enough to make my own decisions.
No isn't just a 'no not today honey. maybe next time.' A no is a 'no that's never going to happen because I control every aspect of your life and what I say goes.'
I get punished mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I'm so used to the word 'no' that  I don't even bother asking anymore.
People always wonder why I don't ask to go somewhere with them or why I don't ask to go to parties.
Why? Because I can't. I know I can't.
Their fear of the world has consumed their thoughts. Their paranoia has consumed my life.
I've been shut down so many times my self esteem has been degraded to a paperthin existence.
The word 'no' has been so engrained into my life that I doubt my very existence.
I often question  myself if I'm ever going to be seen as a human in their eyes.
We learned about how if parents give into their children's whining and begging, the child will know that parents have a limit.
My parents never give in. Through all the reasoning and bargaining, their 'no' is a no.
How could one word have so much impact in my life?
It's just one word, 2 letters: one of the smallest phoneme there is.
So many say to appreciate my life, to appreciate the food and shelter that I do have.
I'm not living. I'm just existing.
Where is the love?